Infinite Access

It has come to my attention that accessing the infinite can be quite challenging, distressing, confusing. Once I realized that there is no limit to my abilities, I became instantly stuck in my perceived limitations. It’s where comfort sleeps quietly, the complicity of life, softly breathing, relaxing, not prodding you to grow. Why is it so much easier to just conform, settle, encompassed in laziness? I think that’s where group dynamics plays its role – the constant jostling of ideas, energy, and evaluation, pushing us forward or to the side, but there is no standing still. Perhaps because as one in a vacuum, we do not relate to the differences within us, we only agree with our knowingness, asking for no reply.

Handrails

It was truly an amazing moment. We sat there, spellbound, our circle surrounding her as she spoke of her delicate heart, shattered, hoping for release. Holding our breath, wanting to cradle her in our understanding, we remained quiet. We knew the power of our support and did not want to smother her. As she completed her story, we asked questions, confirming our interest, our ties to her. Then we slowly withdrew, awaiting her reaction. She smiled, a few pieces of her heart taped back together, gratitude gleaming in her eyes. I knew we’d see her again, as her journey has begun, the trek into self-awareness can be treacherous, we’ll be her handrails.

Blue Candle Vise Grip

Think of it as a blue candle. Imagine if you will, living in an alternative culture where blue candles have a stigma associated with them. These blue candles are not illegal, mind you, but some people think that owning them is immoral or unethical, even though countless millions of these candles are sold in the U.S. each year.

So there I was at a casual lunch with a new acquaintance, and potential client, when she launches into the atrocities of blue candle ownership. How should I react? After all, I once bought a blue candle (it’s still in my closet), and I know many others who have, as well. I think that people who want to make blue candle ownership illegal have closed minds and have never been presented with life circumstances in which burning a blue candle may be an option. It’s not that I am pro-blue-candle-ownership, or that I am against it, but when something is not illegal and can be used with discernment, I don’t see how I can define others by the ownership of it.

What reaction is justified to this type of blatant opinion? Unknowing what to do, I just said, “That’s an interesting viewpoint,” and changed the subject. I thought about it the rest of the day. Had I been among friends, or this interaction not being financially motivated, I would have responded with my usual devil’s advocate reply. So is that how I define myself? Compromising my normal behavior because money was involved? How often do I act like this? Or was it even more sinister – not wanting to cause friction, afraid of being unpopular? I like to rationalize it, thinking that it just wasn’t the time or place to try to convince someone to loosen the vise grip on their closed mind. But was that really what was happening? What other blue candle opinions do I hold and release in my life?

I'm Busy!!!!!

"Oh, I've been busy," I said casually, as if that explained my behavior, and as if in this one phrase she would receive complete understanding and have no further questions. However, I knew that in truth, it wasn't so much I was busy (even though my perception is that I was) it is more that I chose different priorities than the ones associated with her. I knew by saying this she knew what I meant because like me, she uses the phrase quite liberally, too. What is this word "busy" and why are we consumed, bombarded, and fatigued by it? Is it that we over-schedule ourselves with so much to do so that we don't have to think about what isn't getting done?

Mainstream Dreams

She and I decided we were the tributaries.

Existing on the outer rim of the mainstream.

Watching the river of conformity roll past us, commenting on the masses.

Wanting to be a part, yearning to be accepted, but yet not wanting this at the same time.

Acknowledged for our quirks, but not ridiculed for being different.

We stood there for a few moments, soaking wet in our perspective.

Realization emerged that in order to divert the path of the mainstream, we must first get our feet wet.

Breaking Reality

“But I read your blog,” she said, her eyes full of concern.
“I’m okay,” I assured her.
“You sounded so sad, I had to call to cheer you up and to check on you, will you be alright?”
I laughed, she truly did not understand me.

Why is it that we place so much pressure on ourselves to be happy, content, fulfilled, all the time? We will have those days when the covers cannot be pulled away from our heads, our pajamas cling to our bodies, and our minds (and mouths) are stuffed with pistachio ice cream. It’s okay. It’s called down-time, and most of us suffer from an extreme lack of it.

Can we not rest while taking on the world? Even God rested on the 7th day, so let’s be a little reasonable with ourselves.

For me, it is more about mental rest than physical rest. My thoughts are continually in a hamster wheel, spinning in a hundred directions, soaking in the possibilities of life. Some days I just need to feel sad, take a break, long for something different, be dissatisfied with my life creation, and sulk.

It passes, and I know that, so I just let it settle into my bones, making a temporary home until the break is over.

When break time is up, I clean up behind myself, catching up on life, and get back to my work of living.

Let Go, I Scream!

Why is letting go of control the easiest and hardest thing to do?

Repeatedly I hear the phrase "Let Go and Let God."

Must it be my eternal plight to learn to let go of control, that I am not the only entity who may benefit my own life?

The millisecond that I forcefully release whatever I have fooled myself into thinking that I am controlling, I feel the lift, the breath, the confidence that everything is going to work out best. I then sigh for a moment, relish in the relaxation and then start trying to figure out how God is going to get this done for me. What system will be used? How will the process emerge? What steps will be taken to solve this challenge of mine? I instantly move from trying to control the problem to trying to figure out how to control the process of solving the problem.

Let Go! Let Go! Let Go! I silently scream. But, I have found that in reality, the only thing that really works in letting go is an unexpected view of beauty, a quick laugh, a good memory. For that moment I am instantly elevated to a higher realm, a better existance, a hopeful me.

The only reliable way that can happen is to remove myself from the current environment so one of these instances can occur.

The Anger Escaped

My lips deceived me with a smile.

I wanted to stay angry because angry was where I wished to be, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

The anger had escaped me so quickly I could almost hear the whoosh as it left my being.

I find it is more and more difficult for me to stay angry about anything or toward anyone for long, any more. There was once a time, actually quite an expanse of time, when the anger would burn out the brown in my eyes, turning them to dark coals smoldering. It would absorb me, become one with me, as I embodied it. In those moments, I felt thoroughly justified in whatever thoughts were verbally flung from my mouth. There was no bending – everything black/white, yes/no, and absolutely no room for interpretation.

I am so very grateful that those moments now escape me.

It’s not that I do not get angry, it’s more of creating a suspension in time. Moments pass between the incident and my reaction. It gives me time to breathe, to consider, to decide how I would like to react to the event. Sometimes just the awareness that I have a choice in deciding how I want to react is enough for me.

It has also been a realization that this time suspension has not released me of my power, but has, in fact, given it to me.