Platter of Possibility

Mentally,
I danced a jig.

Standing on the rim of chance
For so long,
Has been exhausting.

As the winds of change
Move around me,
Lifting my hair,
A feel relief carried by its currents.

I have learned
Something new for me.

It’s not the mundane,
The routine, or the boring
Which stifles me into the dark.

It’s the unknowingness
The directionlessness of
Not being sure what to do
Where to go, who to be.

It spins
My internal compass.

So many directions open
Success can follow any one.
Where will my commitment lie?

I have eternally believed
Anything can be achieved.
So as the platter of possibility
Is served,

What to choose?

Fateful Leap

I twisted the hands of fate and took my chances.
Naivety was the order of the day.
Carelessly I threw wisdom into the current
Not knowing in which direction it ran.

Sometimes chances are like that.
Through all the painstaking analytical diagnosis
Sometimes you just have to jump
And hope for the best.

Scream Why

Deflated, discontent, discouraged, and downtrodden
I lie on my back, looking up.

The light bulb flickers above me
and the floor is hard.

Welling up inside,
I feel fear, like bile in my throat.

It pushes its way
From my heart to my mouth.

As it hits the back of my teeth
I scream "WHY"

Contempt for Contentment

Bitterly I drank the juice of contentment and swallowed hard. Contentment is my bottom goal, my baseline of life. I continually want to be thrilled, excited, interested, exceedingly successful, and the master of beating the odds. For so long, I had direction (straight ahead, fast, fleeing whatever was behind me), but now contentment remains. I’m not sure where to go with it – if I am not outracing pain, then how do I know in which direction to forge? A victim of my own self-created contentment.

Perfect Day

The lights dazzled my eyes
as I whirled around the dance floor.

Could a moment
be more perfect?

White dress, heels, & pearls,
I smell the sweet bouquets as I
pass each table.

I look at the crowd -
faces all familar,
wishing me joy.

Drunken on the experience
wishing the moment
to be encased in time forever.

Perceptions of Personal Reality

Perceptions are everything to us. They filter information from our surroundings to create our own personal realities. I was deeply reminded of this a few years ago.

I had a dog named Gypsy that I loved with all my heart. I adopted her from an animal shelter my second year of college and she was my constant companion. Through bouts of ill health and both having wicked stubborn streaks, we learned much from each other. She saw me through relationships and jobs, she fell in love with the man who became myhusband, and she watched intently as our daughter grew from a baby to a child. After being by my side for almost 14 years, she started showing signs of illness. My vet confirmed that it was kidney failure and the end was near. He asked me if I wanted to go ahead and end her life for her, but I just couldn’t do it, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. I cried for days as I watched her getting skinnier and skinnier. She would hardly eat but she seemed to keep such a good attitude, looking at me as if nothing was wrong. The second week after her diagnosis, she was a walking skeleton but she managed to perform her Houdini act of sneaking out of the fence and wandering the neighborhood – one of her favorite past-times. I came home from work that day to find her sitting in the front yard – instead of my usual scolding, I was amused that she still had it in her to explore. I noticed there was a message on my answering machine and as I played it my heart broke. The woman said, “I found your dog today and I’m calling the number on her tag. You should be ashamed of the way you treat this sweet dog, you must starve her to death – you don’t deserve to own her! She ran away from me before I could get her in my house but I hope she never returns to you, she needs someone who would actually love her!” Her voice became louder as she screamed, “I hope you never own another dog again – you should be reported to the authorities!”

The pieces of my heart, already broken, now shattered. To be accused of doing this to my longtime friend was so hard to hear. My first reaction was to call her back and angrily defend myself. I thought more about it. I was proud of this woman for defending this dear animal. Good for her to speak for those that can’t speak for themselves. Through her perception, she was correct and I would feel the same way – how dare someone mistreat my sweet Gypsy! What good would come from me correcting her? It may stop her from speaking up the next time when it is warranted. So I let the issue lie with my admiration of her.

It was a good lesson for me, though. Each time I believe that someone is in disagreement with my viewpoint, I stop for a minute and think of this woman’s perception. She was right and I was right at the same time, and yet we had opposing perceptions. In an effort to enhance individual evolvement, I challenge each of you, as I challenge myself, to contemplate the other person’s perception in all circumstances. Respecting someone’s perception, even though it may be conflict with our own truth, may be the key to true understanding.

Fine Cloths of Deceit

In return for her power, he gave her conditional love.
She was gracious to receive it, for it had been wrapped in fine cloths of deceit and tied with perfect ribbons of infatuation.

Creating Life

Slideshow of memories passing before my eyes.

Seeing them from a more distant perspective sheds
a dusting of understanding.

I was in such a search for love that I compromised
time after time after time.

I ignored me for so long, pushed me into the shadows
that I forgot I existed.

Now, as I emerge, I question, cry, laugh, dream,
analyze, analyze, analyze.

I understand, explore, and invent myself each day.

The process of creation.

Google Knows

Self-induced knowledge is best. The knowledge we pick and choose for ourselves. Unaware of other opinions out there, uncaring of other viewpoints. Vehemently claiming that the thought is ours and ours alone. Relishing in our genius. Thinking ourselves certain.
One Google search can ruin it all.

Coined Consent

We flipped a quarter to decide our fate. Would we stay or go? Try our hand at a flawed relationship to end abruptly in misery at some future time, or end it here while we were still happy? The coin bounced twice and landed flat. I silently nodded my consent. Years later I would think back to that moment and wonder, “What if?”.