Bondage of an Evaded Car Crash

Last night I narrowly avoided a horrific car accident. My actions to evade the crash resulted in almost causing another crash behind me. I had my daughter in the car with me and I was quite shaken. From the cars behind me, one woman closely followed me, flashing her lights. When I stopped to wait for a light to change, she pulled beside my car and started screaming at me. I just kept saying I was sorry, but it didn't help to quell her threats or her voice. She finally drove off.

The incident bothered me all night - I kept wondering "Did I cause an accident behind me? Am I at fault for someone's injuries?" These questions haunted me until morning when I was able to call the police department - completely prepared to take responsibility for my actions. Thankfully, there was no accident at that location last night. With that weight lifted, I my thoughts began to focus on the woman who screamed at me.

I understand she was terrified, so was I, and everyone else involved. But what motivated her to go out of her way to blast me and threaten me? I narrowed it down to two things: Either she had pent up anger that this brought to the surface and exploded, or she felt it was her obligation to make sure I knew how she felt and that I needed to be punished. Perhaps it was both, but I'm going with the latter.

I've come across these people a few times in my life, and I surely seem to rub them the wrong way. They are the self-imposed morally elite, the watchdogs of ethical behavior based on what their parents, society, and the church have deemed as our collective values. Always on the lookout for infringements, they must not only hold up these standards, but feel impelled to punish those who commit infractions to the code. What a burden this must be. My heart hurts for them. If they are treating us in this manner, I can't imagine how they constantly self-check their own behaviors to make sure that every thought, word, and deed are morally aligned with their beliefs - and constantly self-checking that their beliefs are aligned with those who deem which beliefs are acceptable.

My wish is for them to be released from their bondage, free to think alternative thoughts, free to make mistakes, and free to forgive those who almost caused their car to crash.

Lemonade Smiles

Of light and laughter and days of non-consequence.
Let lemonade smiles rule and cucumber sandwiches satisfy our hunger for experience. A picnic on a blanket under a tree with velvet breezes all around. Cool confidence spread in a thin layer on a piece of uncertainty, hidden from view. Heavy sighs, children’s cries, lilac in the air. A day passed too quickly, not enough time to commit each instant to memory.

Launching Aspirations

In the quietness of knowing,
my heart whispers dreams
of tomorrow.

Launching aspirations
into the unseen heavens,
hoping beyond hope
that visions emerge.

Calico Splinters

Calico splinters of light cascade down the edge of reason.

I look plainly at your face, expecting some kind of answer, some clue to the emotions preserved there.

What of a spellbound child enduring mediocrity - with a true heart crying out to be heard over the pontification of others?

Must it be this way? Must they be so blind?

So obvious in their "I'm not ready to be awakened" attitude?

We must smile and remember back to when we once held that perspective as well, with the surity of heart that one day they will be ready.

Whether or not it is by their choice is an entirely different matter.

Whispered Screams

Recently, I read these words in a book of letters by Thoreau and thought I'd share them with you:

"Do they know what life is? If they knew something, the places which know them now would know them no more forever."

These words struck me as I struggle/embrace change. I think the meaning here is that to live is to change, and if we change, if affects everything and everyone around us so that as we change, we no longer live in the same world. The places that know us now will know us no more forever. Kind of sad, isn't yet? Yet, I guess it can be a blessing also.

The strange thing about change is that it isn't always apparent. Sometimes, change starts as a little whisper within, something in there starts stirring, not identifible, but something is no longer the same. Those are the changes which scare me, not the big, crazy ones that are evident to everyone. These little internal shifts that bring about such prolonged change are the ones to keep your eye on. It's like the little shifts somewhere under the ocean which lead to a tidal wave of mass proportions.

Those are the whispers that come screaming at you in months to come.

Higher than a Baseline

Subjected to drama
Without my consent,
For so long
It became my way of life,
Too.

So much so
That I created it,
Where none previously existed
Just to feel safe,
In my own skin.

As I age
I analyze this,
What now is its purpose
Except the security,
Arising from misery.

Looking inside
From without,
Life is much easier
More tolerable,
Less noticeable.

Was it the drama
That made me feel alive,
Or just feel
Something higher,
Than a baseline?

Or was it that
On a lively stage of life
I knew where I stood
In quietness, I am confused
No knowing the direction to turn.