And How Does That Make You Feel...

“You’re not like the rest of us, Angela” he earnestly explained. I stoically waited for more.
“When things happen around you, you automatically know what you think and how to act. You’re the kind of person that someone would want next to them in a foxhole during war. There is no ambiguity to you.”
I found those comments to be interesting. How could I not know what I think about something, or anything?
Looking back, though, I had not always felt this way. Times in my life when I wasn’t sure who I was, ever-changing, so how could I know what to think or how to react? Times when I was so obsessed with how others thought of me, or gaining their acceptance, that I was too worried about saying or doing the “wrong” thing that I wasn’t sure what was right.
It was during those times that I was the most miserable, most insecure that I’ve ever been. I guess it just wasn’t okay to be ME, I needed to be all other things to those around me. In needing this acceptance, I lost, no wait, I GAVE AWAY my power. No surprise that there were ungracious takers of this power, waiting for me to relinquish.
It took almost two years for me to regain it, at least two years from the point that I realized it was gone. Easily enough, it all started with me asking myself the questions: “What do I think about this? Do I like this or not? Is this for me or not?” If the answers were positive, I reaffirmed those things in my life, if the answers were negative, I rid myself of those items, or at least limited my exposure. It took courage and thick skin but I eventually made enough headway to get going and once it did, there was no stopping me.
I can tell you how I feel on just about any topic at any time, and you know what? I’m okay with my answers, whether people like them or not, because it’s ME who has to live with those choices, and that’s how I feel about that!