Preparing for Ernesto and Other Storms

With Tropical Storm Ernesto beginning to approach my home and perhaps gain in strength to become Hurricane Ernesto, I follow my pre-storm ritual of scanning the yard for potential projectiles. What might unexpectedly become a weapon thrust at my home? The skeleton of a forgotten potted plant encased in a clay bowl that could be thrown at my windows? It’s as if nature is about to riot around us and we must find its armory before the soldiers of wind and rain attack our domicile fortresses. I realize I’m used to this type of preparation, and not just because I physically retraced these steps more times than anticipated last year.

It’s also something that I do emotionally whenever I feel a large internal storm brewing. In preparation for any type of conflict, I scan my internal horizon to identify any emotional or mental projectiles that may be used as weapons against me. I try to minimize the impending damage by removing my vulnerabilities from view and assuming a defensive stance. Preparation depends on the size of the storm – am I sitting for an annual work review or am I protesting a charge on my credit card?

Either way, I have my supplies at hand while I attempt to anticipate its path. And, either way, the storm passes and all returns back to normal until the next well defined circle on my radar.

And How Does That Make You Feel...

“You’re not like the rest of us, Angela” he earnestly explained. I stoically waited for more.
“When things happen around you, you automatically know what you think and how to act. You’re the kind of person that someone would want next to them in a foxhole during war. There is no ambiguity to you.”
I found those comments to be interesting. How could I not know what I think about something, or anything?
Looking back, though, I had not always felt this way. Times in my life when I wasn’t sure who I was, ever-changing, so how could I know what to think or how to react? Times when I was so obsessed with how others thought of me, or gaining their acceptance, that I was too worried about saying or doing the “wrong” thing that I wasn’t sure what was right.
It was during those times that I was the most miserable, most insecure that I’ve ever been. I guess it just wasn’t okay to be ME, I needed to be all other things to those around me. In needing this acceptance, I lost, no wait, I GAVE AWAY my power. No surprise that there were ungracious takers of this power, waiting for me to relinquish.
It took almost two years for me to regain it, at least two years from the point that I realized it was gone. Easily enough, it all started with me asking myself the questions: “What do I think about this? Do I like this or not? Is this for me or not?” If the answers were positive, I reaffirmed those things in my life, if the answers were negative, I rid myself of those items, or at least limited my exposure. It took courage and thick skin but I eventually made enough headway to get going and once it did, there was no stopping me.
I can tell you how I feel on just about any topic at any time, and you know what? I’m okay with my answers, whether people like them or not, because it’s ME who has to live with those choices, and that’s how I feel about that!

Disclosure

Whispers from the dark trying to make their way to light.
I can hear the sounds swarming around inside my head but they don’t yet form words.
Ideas, thoughts, energy, swirling, getting ready to disclose the answers to a mystery.
There, but not.
Like a child sounding out her first word, knowing it’s meaning but unable to enlighten others.
I can feel it gaining momentum, ready to release knowledge into my conscious mind and solve my ambivalence.

My Way

I laugh in spite of myself. Always so serious, trying to force my life to happen MY WAY (Frankie S. had it right). That is the exact point in which it all unravels and I become undone. It’s when I stop and decide I am a loser and can’t figure out my life like I should be able to. I let it go for awhile, have a couple of glasses of wine, and beg a friend to listen intently as I droll on about how I can’t find the exact meaning of my life. Within a day or two, it happens. Hard to say exactly what it is, almost like a CLICK, you know, when everything falls into place? An epiphany is thrust upon me and suddenly I get it. I GET IT. With clarity I see my vision, my place, my truth, my potential. I rejoice. Then, I laugh. Viewing me like this is funny. It happens the same way, every time. If I could only see what I was in while I was in it, and I could consciously make the choice to release it, then my peace would come. It always does. Evolvement, I guess.

Lunch Chatter

She laughed and I laughed, but we both knew it was true and there was nothing funny about it. Here we were approaching mid-life with still nothing to say to each other. Reminiscing over yesteryear’s follies was the only interaction we could muster. Sad that we could go no further. It was unsafe to proceed past some unofficial line in time – we dare not cross for fear of speaking and addressing those topics not meant for lunch.

Rhythmic Dance in the Mundane

I strive to look at life through the eyes of a dreamer, the heart of a healer, and the mind of a philosopher. I scan my life for everyday poetry, the rhythmic dance in the mundane. The gentle swing of the non-descript.

Heart Congruence

Her eyes crinkled as she smiled, and I wasn’t sure if she was kidding. Is this how it was going to be, a conversation in double-entendres, with me never knowing what she is really trying to tell me? I hate that. Just spit it out. If you don’t like me fine, just be honest with it and stop all the child’s play. At some point, I should think we grow up, stop putting on a pretty face, and either say what we actually mean, or walk away. Why the pretend? Life is too short for living incongruently with our heart.

Flight of Heart

Gently, the winds of memory caress my mind. What seemed ordinary is now somehow twisted, as if something changed in my backward journey, and now the present has been altered. What’s the use of reason if there is no doubt? I fly away on warm summer breezes, staring at the microcosm below. I softly tug at heart strings to lower my distance to the Earth. Ever so present is the sheer discomfort of flight.

Divine Prodding

Suddenly I felt it.
The shake, the shudder, the shimmer of understanding.
How could it have escaped me so long?
Disguised at once in pretty clothes and a dirty face.
I misunderstood it the whole time -
Reluctant to take my part in the action,
Playing in the game of life.

Heaven sent knowledge
Is the hardest to decode.
Particles and bits from nowhere
And everywhere.
Somehow assembled into a beautiful symphony,
Heard only by the soul and slowly emerging
Into daylight.

Ledge Walker

She aptly ran across the ledge.
Like a child chasing a ball on the playground.
No notice of everyone around or of the 30-foot drop on either side. She was on a mission, and as such, she paid no mind to anything but what she pursued, which at the moment, was the opportunity to be famous.

Today I Stopped

Today I took a breath and stopped. I just stopped.
I stopped questioning my restless soul.
I stopped being a wife, mother, daugther, etc.
Stopped living daily as I assumed they want me to live.
Let them pick and choose their perceptions and roles of me in their lives.
For today, I am just me.
Stopped in my tracks of reality and fantasy.
Stopped here to breathe and live.

Mother Love

She is everything I ever imagined I would be.
I admire her with unending love and daily thank her for choosing me as her guide.
Her beauty follows her - as she walks I imagine rose petals falling from her hair, leaving a paradise scented trail in her wake.

I'll Take Another Serving

Each of us is presented with opportunities to serve humanity. For some, it’s on a daily basis – such as, firefighters, teachers, doctors, and social workers. For others, it’s a less frequent occurrence – bone marrow donors, surrogate mothers, and each time one of us rises to the occasion of being a momentary hero. But, for many of us, the opportunities are less than obvious. The situation, coupled with our abilities and talents, provides us with an opportunity to benefit many, although at the time it may be viewed as an action to solve an immediate challenge.

This concept became clear to me while viewing one of those educational programson cable television. The program was about an un-modernized community whose origins could be traced back thousands of years. Archeologists could not understand how it had survived a horrific drought that destroyed similar communities across the country. The answer was revealed to them when they uncovered a crude grain silo constructed under the village.

The silo was simple in its design and yet fulfilled the need to nourish its community members until rain fell. By designing and utilizing this silo, not only did its members survive, but the direct descendents of this ancient village are alive today – an extreme rarity in this part of the world.

As I viewed this program, I began to wonder about the person who designed this life saving silo. Did everyone accept this person when he/she first proposed the idea, or did they ridicule him/her into self doubt? Was this silo created by a task force appointed by a committee to study the impact of the device over a widespread area and form a hypothesis that this was the correct action to implement? More important, was this device created to serve humanity to sustain generations to come, or was it just someone using their talents to the best of their abilities and addressing an immediate need? That’s what I think led to this creation.

The point here is that we do not always perceive the reach of our actions. So many times we think small, or we don’t perceive our daily lives as being miraculous. How many times have we heard someone say, “I just want to make a difference?” with the perception that it must be on a grand scale, or something which can be immediately measurable? I doubt that the creator of this prolific silo was burdened with the pressure of sustaining future generations, he/she probably just used a creative solution that enabled them to eat until the first raindrop hit the dry earth.

I strive to live each day stretching my mind and spirit and utilizing my abilities to their highest degree, so perhaps the results can be life changing for me, those around me, and maybe even those I may never meet. It is with this faith that I must view and conduct my life to live my highest potential.

Stormy Lessons

As we are in hurricane season once again, and I am writing from one of the rings around the storm bullseye, I remember my lessons from one of last year's big storms. Shortly before the hurricane made landfall, I spoke with a friend who wisely advised, “Remember, there are lessons in every storm.” Well, mine all started with a mango tree.

The year before, I thought about cutting the large branches of the tree, because even in mild breezes, its fruit become grenades to my screened enclosure, and I don’t really care for the taste of the fruit. But, I just didn’t make the final decision of doing it - other things came up and it became less of a priority.

During the storm, winds swiftly snapped off half of the tree, crashed it on top of my screened enclosure, and neatly deposited it into the pool. Lesson #1: Sometimes if you wait long enough to make a decision, it will be made for you, perhaps not with the same outcome as you envisioned. How many times in my life have I struggled with indecision and decided it was easier to just let something go until it became unimportant, only to have the delayed decision impact me in a negative way?

After the hurricane, a tree cutting company was in my neighborhood and I discussed with them about removing the tree from the pool. Sam, the company representative, gave me an estimate which included cutting down the remainder of the tree. However, I could not bear the thought of cutting down a healthy, living thing just because it was inconvenient, especially since it has resided here much longer than I have. Sam pointed to a large, diseased section of the tree and explained that if he did not cut this tree down it would eventually rot and end up going through my roof in the next large storm. He suggested planting a more suitable tree in the same location and giving it a chance at life in my yard. Lesson #2: Just because something has been in your life for a long time does not mean that it is healthy and contributing to your life. It may be time to closely examine it to see if it still serves your life in the way intended, if not, you may need to muster the strength to cut it down and start over. How many times in my life have I clung on to something that no longer served me just because I felt guilty about letting it go, considering the time and energy I had invested? Not to mention that I valued its worth over my own well being.

The final lesson came quickly. After convincing me to cut down the mango tree, Sam looked at another tree in my yard and suggested that it be removed as well. I explained to him that it was an antique orange tree that had been, for all intended purposes, resurrected from the dead and was going to produce oranges soon. He said it was not an orange tree; I insisted it was since I had watched the tree sprout from a stump that I knew to be an orange tree, so how could it produce something else? Sam picked off a leaf, crushed it, smelled it, and handed it to me. These leaves didn’t smell like oranges at all. So I then pondered the rarity that I had such an antique, genetically odd line of orange tree that its leaves didn’t smell like oranges. This tree was indeed special. I was impressed. Sam then shed light on my disillusion by explaining the typical characteristics of a ficus tree. I insisted it was not a ficus, however, my certainty was starting to weaken. He then lifted the dead tree stump to reveal that yes, indeed, a ficus plant had grown around and inside the orange stump, and with similar looking leaves, had disguised itself as an orange tree. Lesson #3: When we are questioned about our beliefs, instead of adamantly defending them, it is better to take a breath, withhold judgment, and consider perhaps there are other alternatives to our perspective of the truth. How many times in my life have I vehemently agreed or denied something based on my prior knowledge of it and not given the opportunity to investigate how it may have changed into something else? How many times have I denied the opinions of others because my truth was so strong that theirs couldn’t even be considered?

I now assuredly understand that there are lessons in every storm. Storms can be physical, emotional, even conditional; but with each, I must take the time to analyze what the situations mean to me and how I can learn from them.