Safe Mode

Last week I was working feverishly on a new project that has taken over my life. I had worked hours upon hours trying to figure out every angle, every predictable occurrence surrounding this project. In the middle of exhaustive typing and research, my computer started acting quirky. Every second or third letter that I typed did not show up on the screen, and I began to get frustrated. Next, the sentences on the screen started disappearing, on their own, line by precious line. I panicked and hit the save button, strange noises could be heard, but it did stop deleting and saved what was left of my material. I slammed my hand down on the desk, angry that so much of my consumed time and effort appeared to be lost. I took a few deep breaths and restarted the computer.

As the startup screen appeared, I attempted to log on with my password, but no letters could be typed. Anxiety was running rampant through my veins, and my head started to feel light. Why was this happening? I logged in through another entrance without a password and a message appeared, indicating that I was holding down the Control button and asking me if I wanted to work in Safe Mode. I couldn’t understand this, I punched the Control button three times trying to make it release, but to no avail. I pulled the button off the keyboard, cleaned and replaced it, but no improvement. So, much to my chagrin, I worked a little in Safe Mode, then restarted the computer again, hoping for a miracle.

Waiting for the computer to reboot, I took a few more deep breaths, trying to relax the building tension. It is then when I finally got the message -- it was so clear, why did it take me so long to understand? I was holding down the control button – the CONTROL button. Not literally, but figuratively. And why was I doing this? To operate in SAFE MODE. You see, that’s how I feel safe, when I am trying to fool myself that I am in control of the world around me and every possible situation I might encounter. There’s security in predictability. It’s part of being a calculated risk taker (shouldn’t that be an oxymoron?). I feel that if I can control all factors surrounding a situation, then I can predict the outcome, thus reducing the risk. It’s an insane theory, I realize this, but it hasn’t stopped me from doing it year after year. The thing is, I know better. I know that by having a tight grasp on something and trying to force its direction is a sure indication of failure and frustration, and yet, I don’t realize that I am in the middle of this behavior until I am failing and frustrated. At this point, it’s time to make a decision.

Do I continue as is and push through this minor setback with double the force to ensure I get past it? Or do I just let go? Sounds simple doesn’t it? Once again, while in the middle of this type of behavior, I develop impaired judgment. It’s a struggle for me to just let go, but my higher wisdom got the best of me this time and I did. As usual, it was the right thing to do. A few hours later, I had quite an inspiration, an idea much better than anything I had produced before, and as Divine Wisdom would have it, something much easier and enjoyable than what I had been creating. Sometimes the hardest and easiest thing to do is just to let go and let things happen – to stop getting in the way of ourselves by trying to feel safe while holding down the control key.